Fashion Saved Me

Such mixed feelings when it comes to going down memory lane. Lets face it, nothing really good happens there. At least not in my case.
I'm such a late bloomer. Specifically when it comes to getting things done. Things that feel REAL to myself and my identity. There is so much I have planned, but I always take it back because I don't feel it's the "right moment". I have been hesitant to write about many things because of what I may come off as but I have been reading and listening to many personal stories of bloggers/influencers and I am so inspired in addition to admiring them for sharing their stories. Just how it inspired me I am hoping to finally share my story with the same affect.


Have you ever felt like the person that can never participate in a talent show because you feel you have no talent to participate? But still feel this inside urge like you should or want to? Or have had a pre-teen life crisis and ask yourself "what is my talent?, Am I even talented?" "What is my purpose?" I'm sure we all have at some point.

Throughout elementary and middle school I asked myself this and often wondered if I would ever find it.
These were not my good years. Reality was I hated middle school. It wasn't necessarily this question that haunted me, not that I needed to have everything figured out at twelve years old but at that moment I felt I did. The reason for this was because this is where I met my worst partner. Depression.

Depression manipulated me into thinking I had to have it all figured out. Depression made me believe that I was a nobody, agreeing with what I heard on a daily basis.

From 7am-2pm I would get called ugly like it was my name. Girls would come up to me with suggestions on how I could be "pretty" and how I should act and who I should hang out with in order to be accepted. I always tried to keep to myself and have always been very quiet. The amount of bullies grew which meant the amount of name-calling and bullying grew. I didn't share it with anyone nor did I show it at home. Instead I would wait until bedtime to cry myself to sleep and dread seeing these people the next day. Slowly, instead of distancing myself or seeking help, (not that I feel this would have helped), I started trying to fit in. Fitting in meant becoming the opposite of who I was, I started dressing like the bullies, hoping this would help, following their suggestions and even encouraged their behavior. All for what? To be accepted. For some reason I felt like I needed to prove myself to them and the only way I could do this is following their influence.

At this time I distanced myself from a lot of things, family, friends that actually cared, positive influences, but the one that hurt me the most was that I distanced myself, well from my own self. I became a person I didn't want to be, I knew this because I still cried myself to sleep and I still believed that I was meant for something greater than following bad behavior. I had let depression win and I had let the manipulation and hurtful abuse become believable.

Looking back, getting bullied was a big part of who I was and am today because a lot of the reasons I got bullied was for being "different", "smiling too much", "being too nice", etc. I got bullied for things that today I clench and defend because it's who I am. Who I want to be. Who I choose to be.

I remember I wore these statement earrings to class once, I loved them because they were earrings with words on it, one said "Y" and the other said "Not", I'm not even going into whether I had the best fashion choices back then but anyways, I remember putting on these earrings and feeling different, confident, and kind of special. I walked into class both nervous and holding on to the confidence that people would love my earrings because I know I did. I got many compliments. But this didn't last long, because a girl, known for the usual name-calling got in my face and gave me a look of disgust and broke into a forced laugh asking me what kind of earrings I was wearing. But the question wasn't meant to be answered. Inside I was answering with confidence, "Earrings that I love!", but I stayed quiet and instantly felt embarrassed.

For those who are probably thinking, well this isn't that bad, or this isn't such a big deal, or even you're crying over insults towards your earrings?
That mentality is why I kept my story to myself and why depression followed me because I didn't share what was going on. Bullying comes in all types of forms, physical, emotional, mental, or all the above. Bullying should have no excuse period! No name calling or aggressive behavior should be dismissed or shaken off because it's hurtful and dangerous to one's mental health. Bullying is harmful to people, through words, physically, and even cyberbullying has grown to be the "norm" of how people let off hateful comments. I highly encourage one another to stop and think "is this OKAY?", "Am I going to hurt someone by saying or doing this?" and quite frankly, even if you are not the bully directly but are witnessing it, trust that you have the power to say "Hey that's not okay".

The reason why the earring experience stands out to me the most is because of the same reason I take fashion as a true passion. The realization of the importance Fashion took for me in this time of need. Back when all of this occurring, styling was my positive outlet, my confident being, my alter ego. The only time I felt safe within my own identity was through fashion. These were the times when I felt the power to ease out of depression, finally building courage to call myself beautiful without anyone's approval but my own. Styling myself was when I knew that being the weird, bubbly girl was probably the most precious gift I carried. My place of power is fashion, styling, this is where I feel most confident and most myself. I can truly say fashion and styling saved me from depression. This was my light at the end of the tunnel. This is why I don't just try to promote a "look good" ambiance but an empowering one from within. One where people can find how style can give oneself the feeling, consciousness, and awareness of creativity fashion holds for every individual.

In conclusion, I want to share some key tips on those whom may be going through something similar or even those who need a reminder that you are more than a mental illness. You are more than the manipulation surrounding you. You are more than you think you are capable of. Go find your magic :)

• A person doesn't define who you are
• It's okay to say NO
• It's okay to seek help from a trusted person. A friend, sibling, parent, teacher
• Seek support
• Find those that make you feel safe
• Join activities that make you feel included
• Pay attention to indirect bullying
• Respect yourself and others
• Be aware, calm, and always respectful
• Use your voice, you have one and it matters
• Leave with POSITIVE power 
• Seek positive influences 
• Don't keep it to yourself, it's damaging to your health
• Just talk about it, even if you're not directly asking for help
• Violence is not the answer
• Ignoring it isn't the answer either
• Remember you don't deserve to be treated like this
• Never think there is something wrong with you
• Always remember there are people to help, support, and love you

• STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF.

Helpful links on bullying:
https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/bullies.html

https://www.apa.org/topics/bullying/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/bullying

https://www.medicinenet.com/bullying/article.htm#what_should_victims_of_bullying_and_their_parents_do_to_stop_bullying_what_are_the_treatment_options_for_victims_of_bullying



Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my story. ♡

~Rosana

Thank You Fashion ♡